Do you ever just lose your place? You know like if you are reading and you lose your page or not even that, like when you lose the paragraph or the line or even the word? And not because you are lame but because you lose your mind? You almost feel like you surely must be going nuts? You just start to let your brain wander but you really aren't "letting" it wander, it just is? You can't seem to hold a steady thought because there are so many other things that just won't quit popping into your brain? I am feeling like that tonight. Layton and Sam went to bed, Sara called to say good night too. I talked to Cami and Brett and Laci at least once today. I went to the Temple and caught up on A I. I should be good. I had a tooth extracted last Wed. morning and it was a stinkin' nightmare and that is one thing that I can't seem to get out of my mind, but that is for an entirely whole other blog post to come.
No, this post is because I feel like I just lost my place for a moment....In fact, I lost my place a few times today. Tomorrow is a big day for someone. It is big but not in a wonderful way. Not in a way that you might think that "big" is suppose to be. There are feelings and thoughts and memories. And most of them are not even mine to get lost in... I lost my place because I thought I had "a place" where everything was figured out. Everything was just flowing along in lists. In time increments.
But, then, some things just seem to happen. Life as we know it or....probably more appropriately NOT as we know it....happen and.... poof. I lose my place. Things will be different and we will need to find a new "place" to make everything be normal-ish.
I start to think that I am so smart. So "figured out". right....that is not how it works.
Now, what was I suppose to be doing before all this happened? Who stopped the flow? What was my agenda again?
You know, all of a sudden, life gets messy? Not now, not me. I don't have time! And so, then I frantically look for my list. I can't remember where I even put it! Oh, yeah, there it is. Hum. Let's just try to concentrate. What is the most important thing on my list. Where should I start? At the top? In the middle. How about the end? Why do I feel guilty if the list is incomplete of all of my little red checks? What makes me think that if I complete the list, things will just go back the way they were when I made the dumb list to begin with? Why would I want it to? When life was all laid out in a neet little row that wasn't neet to being with? When everything was perfect or not but normal to me?
Why do I care if my brain "wanders" away from a list that has such little significance at such a time as this?
And then...there it is ..... Just when I think I am about to blow.... I find my eraser !
I start at the top and erase the unnecessary. The mundane. The filler. And pretty soon, no....immediately... I start to lighten up. I start to see things differently. I start to "find" my place again. And that is when I know that even when I lose my place, when I lose my mind, I am never alone. I can't think of a single friend or even an acquaintance, that isn't right there with me losing their minds too. (And I'm not even just talking about my friends that still have teens or preteens or babies) Everyone has SOMETHING to lose their minds over whether it is a "big" day in a good way or a messy way.
So, hey, hold on! I'm right there with ya babe! We can all go NUTS together....
3 comments:
:o)
One of the many reasons why I love you!
It is ok if you know where you are today. That is the kicker-don't do it to many days in a row! Love ya.
I hadn't checked your blog in a long time, but I just had to say that you put into words the way I feel tonight and many nights after a long day as a mother! Thanks for reminding me it is okay to not get everything done and that I am not alone! I have always looked up to you and your amazing ability to look at the positive! Thanks!!
Amy
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